The Bottom Five of Year One

I hate to do this, but I recently read an article that said that people bond better over things they don't like rather than the things they do. It's why gossip is so great, right?

I rarely am sorry I saw anything. Most of these were nights when I could have chosen a lot better. These were risks that didn't pay off in almost anyway. Any exceptions in terms of pay off will be mentioned. As a disclaimer, this doesn't mean that anyone involved is not worthy of a great career. Theater that works is partially about magic. These plays didn't have a shot at that magic. In some instances they were high profile, expensive disasters. All the better. It's the smaller, earnest attempts that are more heartbreaking. Heartbreaking, but also painful on the other side of the fourth wall.

In order of walk-out-ability:

1. The Music Teacher
Minetta Lane Theater

They'd have to pay me to come back to this theater. I was trapped in the smallest seat, in the middle of the aisle, in a two hour one act. Given the opportunity, I promise I would have left the theater. And, I wouldn't say that about any of the others on this list. The promotional feature that they placed in all of the press was that this had been written a really long time ago but never performed. Let's just say, it would have been better that way. My theater neighbor summed it up so well when she said wide-eyed after two hours of theater hell, "That sucked." I agree.

Just to clue you in: this was about a pervert music teacher who was reminiscing about his younger days (and in the flash backs played his younger self--not attractive or helping you understand the why) when he was a music teacher at a private high school. He leered at the younger woman and kind of half started something with one of them. And, he and this female student wrote an opera, an awful, awful campy opera that the audience got to see in full detail, together. And, instead of succumbing to his "passion" for the young student he ran off to New York after the premier performance of their awful opera and slept with everything that walked (almost literally) so that when the student tracked him down he was, well, spent.

I have an open mind, but, gross. Yuck. I feel sticky just thinking about it. No redemptive features, except I had a nice meal with a friend before I thankfully ran off to see this alone.

2. Hot Feet
Hilton Theater

It just didn't work. The choreography was crazy overwrought. And, the costumes--at one point I think the dancers were airplane propellers or something wild and silver. A photo would be worth a thousand words here. And, I don't think I like Earth, Wind and Fire which was the soundtrack behind the dance.

Redemptive feature: the lead dancer. Unfortunately, I think it is generally agreed that the choreography didn't work and the story was thin and it was so sad because Maurice Hines was behind some of this. My expectations were not high, but I expected something tolerable. I don't know if I would have walked out, actually, given the opportunity. My Mom was enjoying that Earth, Wind and Fire too much for me to think about it.

3. LESTAT
Palace Theater

Anne Rice loved it. Seriously, she wrote reviews of it and everything. I had the best seats I had all year. Center, front orchestra. The book was terrible, except for that one comic relief song halfway through the second act, "I Want More." What I especially hated was the truly repetitive moment when the vampire bit into the people--in the same way--every time--over and over again.

Redemptive feature: The female vocalists, the good seats, the weird feathery stuff on the side of stage because it was just "so Elton." Also, as it was tanking in front of our eyes we had the distinct pleasure of a total cast change half way through. Someone took sick, I guess, and all the understudies shifted roles. It was rather fun trying to remember who everybody was and it was great when the hastily applied wig started to come off in the second act. I think it closed that weekend or the weekend after. Saving us all from that bite.

4. High Fidelity

High expectations, bad reviews, little deliverance. We all loved the book. We all loved the movie. Did anyone love this? I think there were a couple of die-hards who actually were hurt when it closed so soon. I'm glad they put this out of its misery before it had a chance to really hurt everyone involved--well, irreparably. I'm going to say it was an awkward book, definitely not stellar tunes, no dancing in a musical and weird pacing that helped tank this one. I hear they are going to release a soundtrack. Uhm, I wouldn't recommend buying it. I think everyone with ears has noted that this was a musical about a person obsessed with great music and not so great on the music end.

Redemptive feature: The best sets I probably saw all year. The technical aspect to them was brilliant. Wow.

5. Rashomon
59E59

The same rule that applies for John Patrick Shanley applies to Ibsen. See it, see it anywhere, see it under any conditions--except these. It was a close call, putting this on the list. Losing Louie almost edged it out. It just didn't work for me. It felt high school, although I've probably seen stronger high school plays. In fact, I have. It felt like mediocre high school and not a professional performance.